This is me trying to untangle the giant knot of thoughts, feeling, beliefs and worries I have around money and finances.

I. Background

I grew up in a middle class Australian-Canadian evangelical family. My parents both have degrees, Dad is an electrical engineer, Mom was a stay-at-home-parent for most of my childhood. My Opa and Oma were Dutch immigrants to Canada, and my Opa started a successful greenhouse business, originally with tomatoes to get the business off the ground, but then transitioned to his true love, roses.

My parents are frugal, but not tight-fisted. They value being financially responsible, working diligently, and are consistent tithers. Growing up, I never had to worry about money. We didn’t get to do things like buy snacks at a movie theatre or midway carnival tickets, but we would occasionally get treats like ice cream or go on camel ride at the local fair. My parents bought a lot of things second hand, but we never felt pinched or squeezed for finances. It seemed like being tempered and wise, you could avoid financial issues.

We were given pocket money for chores, and gifted birthday cash from grandparents. In this way we could save up for things we wanted to buy. Mom didn’t approve of us spending money on things like candy, and praised us for our wise financial decisions in purchasing books or Schleich plastic animals (good for imaginative play). We also tithed as kids. I think it was strongly encouraged, but I also wanted to tithe and give my money to those less fortunate than me. I was also pretty terrible at spending money, and was such a saver/hoarder. . . when we moved to Canada I still had $15 worth of Australian coins that I had found on supermarket floors and streets years earlier. (I still have them, if you were wondering.) When I was 12 I saved up for my biggest purchase to date: a fish tank that cost around $100. My parents had purchased it on sale because I really wanted it, and they thought it was a good investment and wanted me to be able to pay for it (not at full price, with the sale benefit), and so I worked to save up and pay them back for the tank.

I also earned a fair bit of money through winning prizes for craft projects at a local show, and I tried selling friendship bracelets and scarves at markets to pretty much no success as a kid.

II. Teen Years, Being Paid By Others

My first job was delivering papers, at age 14. I didn’t get paid a lot, maybe 8c per paper with 50ish papers per week, but it added up and allowed me to buy things like books. It’s also the first time I had a bank account, shared with my sisters and Mom who also delivered papers. (We had meticulous excel sheets to keep track of our individual earnings.)

I had a series of other random jobs, some retail, some odd jobs, some contract work (like elections when I turned 18). Again, money at this point was mostly pin money for things that I wanted, and for giving to others. I also saved a lot because I felt like most of things I would buy would be frivolous. I didn’t need clothes or anything really, my parents covered that.

I was also a little fundie teen who wanted to be a stay at home daughter, so I didn’t believe in looking for a job outside the home and would have never considered a job-job like McDonalds.

III. College

I kind of didn’t want to go to college (y’know, the whole stay at home daughter thing), but my parents both value higher education and were kind of pushing me in that direction, and then I found a program that was perfect: Apparel Technology, a two-year diploma at a college an hour away from home. So I ended up going to college. My parents covered tuition, rent and groceries. I paid for all my supplies (pretty pricey when you’re talking about fashion and costuming) and some of my textbooks with the money I’d made as a teen.

I knew I was super lucky not having to worry about working or student loans while I was at college, I saw the extra toll that took on my classmates.

I got really high grades in college (due in part to being able to focus solely on my studies, and because I was little perfectionist — do not recommend, Cs get degrees babe, and you might just get a bit more sleep with those Cs), which meant that I received a lot of scholarships too. It covered a good portion of my tuition.

In the summers I had jobs, my most consistent and close to full time work yet. The first year I worked in an alterations shop, and the next two years I worked in the wardrobe department of The Canadian Badlands Passion Play. This was the first time I was making adult amounts of money. Most of the money went toward school supplies or savings.

I graduated college with no student debt. My parents didn’t expect me to pay them back. (I did, however, graduate with burnout. So, body-energy debt.)

IV. My Wild Decision

After college and my second year working at the Passion Play, I decided to go to YWAM and do a Discipleship Training School (DTS). I talked with my parents and they thought it was a great idea, but they had one question, “How are you going to pay for it?” I had some money saved up, but not enough for the whole school.

And I said, “I want to trust God for finances”.

I had grown up hearing stories of God’s miraculous provision from missionaries, YWAMers and books. But I’d never seen it for myself. And I realised that was because I’d never been in a position where I needed that, I had grown up so solidly middle-class I’d never needed to trust God for finances. I wanted to put myself in a risky position, give God space to work.

Maybe it was foolish. Maybe it was one of the smartest decisions I’ve made. I don’t know. But my parents let me go without trying to talk me out of it.

V. YWAM

So I went to YWAM with about half the money I needed for lecture phase. At one point, I gave half of THAT to another student because they were more in need than I was, and I’d heard stories about radical generosity and thought that would be a cool thing to do. In a hilarious turn of events, the other student gave me half of the anonymous donation (from me) they’d received because they knew I didn’t have enough for my lecture phase. Anyways, it was very silly and joyful.

I still didn’t have enough for outreach but on the last day before the deadline, I called my parents STRESSED OUT, and they agreed to give me loan to cover the rest. Right after I got off that call, my school leaders told me that because they’d gotten such a good deal on the flights, they could make it work with what I had. But I told them it was ok, my parents had given me a loan.

I felt disappointed in myself, like I hadn’t trusted God enough. I also felt betrayed, like why didn’t God provide for me even though I trusted Him?

Anyways, I finished my DTS, went home, and paid back the loan to my parents through working for a friend with a skincare business.

But then I felt like I should go back to YWAM to do their film school. Again, I had about half of what I needed before I left. A bunch of people generously donated. But still by the end of the school I didn’t have enough, and my parents bailed me out with another loan.

I went home after the film school and felt like I heard strongly from the Holy Spirit to not get a job. I felt just as strongly that I should go back to YWAM for their acting school. I also did some fundraising and again people were generous in their donations, and my Grandma gave me the ‘living inheritance’ she gave all her grandkids — in my case, to go toward my acting school. So I had enough to go start doing the acting school. But my parents told me they wouldn’t bail me out again. I also paid back my parents somehow, I think maybe I worked an election?

I left YWAM for the third time also in debt, this time to my youngest sister who was now working full time at McDonald’s and had enough to loan me, and in debt to the YWAM base itself.

I came away from my grand experiment of trusting God feeling betrayed and confused. Why hadn’t God provided what I needed? I thought following Him meant not being in debt?

(I later realised that this period taught me a LOT about privilege and poverty. It completely destroyed any notion I had that people are poor because they don’t work hard enough or trust God enough — rather, it’s systemic issues of greed and lack of care for neighbour that make people poor. And it’s only because I had social safety nets that I didn’t end up homeless or hungry. Being broke in YWAM radicalised me. And for that reason, I don’t regret my decision to trust God for finances one bit.)

VI. Paying Back Debts

I came back home from YWAM over $6k in debt. I got a job at a local garden centre, full time in spring that went down to veeery part time in winter. This is probably the most financially ‘normal’ I’ve been in my entire life. I made a steady paycheck. I slowly paid down debt. It was such a good feeling to finally pay off both loans, to my sister and to the YWAM base.

I had a couple other random contract jobs at this time too, though I was still employed at the garden centre. I was still living at home, and developed an agreement with my parents to pay 30% of my income to them as rent, and be responsible for my own cell phone bill, because I wanted to be better practiced at adult financial responsibilities.

I worked at the garden centre for a couple years, and liked my job and coworkers, but was starting to contemplate a career change when lo and behold, it was 2020.

VII. COVID

I was laid off from my job at the beginning of COVID, which was a bit upsetting but since I had been contemplating a career change anyway, wasn’t devastating. I was also able to apply for CERB, the Canada Emergency Relief Benefit. . . which paid me more than my old job. It’s a bit weird to say that COVID was the time I’ve made the most money and been the most financially stable. I benefitted immensely from CERB, it allowed me to pay for a lot of therapy and purchase a laptop that I use all the time for work and leisure, so anyways I’m now a HUGE fan of universal basic income because I’ve personally experienced how life-changing it can be.

I also tried starting my zero-waste fashion business that I had been wanting to do for ages during COVID, but got overwhelmed with depression once winter arrived and put it on hold.

VIII. Coming out of COVID

CERB also allowed me to go back to YWAM for an acting internship, and develop my acting skills further. This time, I had savings, and no debts.

When I came back from YWAM, I got a job at a local restaurant that I really loved. It was just dishwashing, but I loved the vibe of the restaurant, being around people, feeling good at my job, earning a steady paycheck. So it was a kick in the gut when I was unexpectedly laid off three months into my job. Maybe it was the return of covid restrictions, maybe it was something else, I don’t know.

I had enough saved up and the world was kind of shut down in the Fall of 2021 so I decided not to look for any jobs until after Christmas. Oh. I also had a really disappointing experience where I made a bunch of embroidered jewellery for a local art market, to sell and help me out financially, but didn’t sell a single item.

IX. My Own Business

I decided to start working on LyndenTree Designs, my zero-waste fashion business again in early 2022. Even though my parents had made it pretty clear I shouldn’t go to them for a bailout, I figured a business loan was different, so I presented my business plan, and the ask of $2k to launch LyndenTree Designs. They agreed. I put the money toward a website and the first order of fabric, which arrived in April.

I got COVID right after that. I was also able to apply for financial relief from the government because COVID made me unable to work.

Much of 2022 was me working slowly on my business (made difficult by having ADHD), and stressing about finding a job. I was feeling pretty tired, and didn’t want a full-time job because I also wanted to have energy for LyndenTree Designs. I looked at a lot of jobs, and applied in various places, but nothing came through. All my other jobs in the past kind of dropped into my lap first try. And now it was inexplicably hard to find a job. I was also fussy, because waking up before 10am was hard for me, and again, I didn’t want something that took all my time. I also felt a lot of pressure from my parents to have a job, but I didn’t actually want a job, I wanted to work on my own business. I spent a lot of time feeling stressed and pulled between job/financial stability and personal fulfilment/creativity.

In October 2022 I did my first market with LyndenTree Designs. I didn’t sell anything, but I also didn’t expect to sell anything, I saw it more as a networking experience. I also told myself that if I didn’t sell anything then it would be time to look for a Real Job somewhere else. My bank account was running low.

But I realised I’d made a severe error in calculating my finances — even if I did get a job right away, I wouldn’t be paid for a couple weeks. And I didn’t think I had enough in my account to last me that long. STRESS. So in a panic I printed out some resumes and intended to drop them off in town after visiting a friend for tea.

After tea, I took a new road out of my friend’s neighbourhood, got disoriented, and by the time I figured out where I was, I was halfway through a red light, and a van was running into me. I burst out sobbing, at the thought of how expensive this was going to be. I pulled over to the side of the road, no one was injured. I was driving my parents’ vehicle and they made it clear when I started driving that if I was in a collision, I’d be responsible for covering the cost of repairs. So a trip that started out in an attempt to solve my financial worries only quadrupled them. I was devastated. And it felt like a blazingly obvious sign not to pursue an external job because I literally got knocked off my path. It felt even clearer a couple days later when I sold my first garment from LyndenTree Designs that my focus should be on my business, not pursing a job outside of the home to make my parents happy.

Anyways I added another obligation to my parents in addition to the business loan: Paying them back for car repairs and the increased cost of insurance. They made it clear there was no rush, so that helped a bit with the stress.

X. 2023

I went into 2023 with the resolve to focus wholeheartedly on LyndenTree Designs. At this point, my energy had declined even further, and I knew I either had enough for a part-time job which meant financial security and energetic burnout, or my business which meant financial precarity but also creativity, flexibility and a healthier schedule. I chose my business. (I chose to prioritise my health.)

I had peace deep down, even though I was often stressed on the surface. At this point, all my savings had run out. I started using my credit card to pay for essentials. And boiiii the guilt and shame I felt about that. . . It went against everything I’d learned in my childhood about being financially responsible and not going into debt.

My health and my energy levels completely tanked from January to May. They didn’t get better in May, I just learned why I felt so awful: I likely have MCAS, a chronic illness that’s a cousin of allergies but involves more body systems. And in the most cruelly ironic twist of fate, one of my biggest triggers was the fabric I bought to start LyndenTree Designs.

My energy levels were so low, I could barely do more than just survive. It was an awful mix, knowing that if I needed to work for money, but not having the energy to work. But also I was in survival mode so I couldn’t see that I was in survival mode because I had no extra energy to devote toward long-term thinking or planning.

I’ve survived 2023 through
– Selling a few skirts for LyndenTree Designs
– A few random sewing jobs
– The generosity of friends (who donated to my ko-fi or sent etransfers)
– The unexpected generosity of random strangers on Twitter
– A crap tonne of credit card debt
– My parents allowing me to live in the basement suite rent-free
– Various government subsidies (Alberta Adult Health Benefit, Carbon Tax Rebate, etc.)
– A local food rescue and our garden keeping grocery costs low
– A lot of creativity with spending and paying bills

I’m very proud of my resourcefulness. But this year has been stressful and frustrating. I haven’t sold any skirts from LyndenTree Designs since July. I don’t feel like I can ask my parents for help, since they’ve made it very clear to not come to them for bail outs. I also kind of don’t want to ask them for help, I’m thirty-one and I want to feel like an adult. Asking my parents would make me feel like a child or a teen again.

I’m finally at the end of my own capacity. My bank account is less than $50, with no solid promise of income on the horizon. My credit card is maxed out. The holidays are coming, and I have no money to purchase gifts for my family. And I have a chronic illness that makes it very hard to go out and get a job.

I’ve tried doing things my parents’ way, and it didn’t work. I’ve tried doing this all on my own, and it didn’t work. My only hope is community.